Wow, I kind of don’t recognize myself… but it’s good!
I wake up today with a very different goal than I ever thought I’d have.
It’s weird, to be honest. I feel like it’s even only in the last 2 years that I’ve had a another significant release of the shackles I’d been living within. And that “other voice” pops up heartily and often – challenging my current values and trying to use fear to wrest control over me.
Let me explain what they hell I’m talking about.
Right now, in my life, my genuine highest goal is to deepen and enrich my ability to love and be loved. That means love of self, that means love of others, and that means love of Spirit.
And to a part of me, that sounds soooooooo “Woo Woo!” Ha ha.
But for years, influenced by the country I live in and the societal agreements around all of us, my biggest goal was security. Security was #1. And I mean not just financial security, but being liked, loved, and included.
If I had money, and if I had love, I’d be forever safe.
And my whole damn life was a frenetic pursuit of the above. All of my overachieving. All of my people-pleasing and being a doormat so that you would like me.
After my early acting days, I went into a career path that would get me in “on the ground floor” of an industry that was burgeoning and up and coming! Interactive Technology at Steven Spielberg’s new studio, Dreamworks.
Surely this would make me “set.” I’d have prestige, a big salary, connections. And yep, I got the job and I had those things. But I have never in my life had any interest in working in the field of technology! I am a people person! I studied humanities in school. I was a clinical psychology major (no surprise).
This is just one of the examples of my fear-driven desire to achieve those goals of security and love pushing my real self down into my little toe and adopting a persona to “get me ahead.” Another way I sublimated my truth, as I’ve openly shared before, was switching to being a “business coach” after 10 years of being a very successful, very fulfilled life coach doing deep transformational healing with people.
But the economy had crashed. Tim had lost his career. My big name expensive coach told me that no one would pay for life coaching in a recession (even though I was in the top 2% of Life Coaches by income even then), but that I should teach other coaches to build what I had done. THAT would make me $$$!
And I did that for 4 years, even hit a 7-figure year, before totally burning out and not being able to quell the screams of my soul that I’m on this planet to do the deeper work around self-love and self-advocacy. (Which I had been doing that first decade of coaching).
So I walked away 2 years ago. Well, not really walked away, I made the decision to go back to the truly transformational-at-the-core personal coaching! I walked away from the big-ass coaching model. I significantly lowered my prices. And I reclaimed myself.
(To be clear – I still have several clients who are building coaching practices, because that is the dream they’re working on. And of course I’m giving them all of my business know-how. But it’s in the context of deep personal growth and evolvement, which works for me!).
So today… when I wake up… I remind myself that it’s a fresh new day to learn, to deepen my love, to choose a higher path whenever possible (and believe me, I’m as human as the next person), to work on my issues around trust, to surrender and let go.
THESE have become my goals and dreams today – truly!
I make these intentions my most important task. And the other voice pops up for sure – the one checking my bank account, fearing the future, worried about how to control everything. And I soothe her, calm her, and remind her we are safe and taken care of.
It’s a dance, but a majority of the time my loving, growing, evolving self leads. Thank God.
Honestly, I never imagined years ago that spiritual growth would possibly be the goal that drives my life. Sometimes I just start laughing at the irony.
(And the funny aside? My money is just fine, and I have tremendous love in my life being more real, more valuable, and more of service).
How do these ideas land for you? I welcome your thoughts and experiences.